Friday 16 November 2012

Lord Bonkers explains why you should always vote for yourself

I am often asked to teach Liberal Democrat candidates the theory and practice of polling day organisation.

After I have taught them the rudiments of knocking up and how to prime the Bonkers Patent Exploding Focus (for use in marginal wards), I give a little homily. (Or was she a Dickensian heroine?)

Anyway, what I say to them is this: Always remember to vote for yourself.

The truth of this was borne in upon me with renewed force today. Because, thanks to my decision to follow my own advice, I am the new Police and Crime Commissioner for Rutland.

I won yesterdays election with a majority of one and that because I rushed down to the village school to vote just before the polls closed.

So you can see that my vote was quite decisive. It was not just that I had a majority of one: mine was the only vote cast in the whole of Rutland.

But a victory is a victory, whatever the turnout or majority.

Tomorrow I shall begin work on my plans to ensure that all police constables are fat and jolly and spend their time alternately helping old ladies across the road (preferably when they want to cross) and clipping apple-scrumpers around the ear.

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